Vulnerable
by But I Have Promises To Keep
Summary: Sometimes people are vulnerable. Even the people you would least expect. But at the same time, some bonds aren't able to be broken. And it's those bonds that keep us grounded, no matter how vulnerable we become. Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**So I've been debating posting this for a while now, considering I got the idea from my EMT textbooks and that's never a good idea… **

**So I figured if people don't like it, I just won't continue it. So if you like it, please review and let me know what you think?**

**Just as an authors note, this takes place before volume 10. Simply because…Mal is kidnapped and I don't really know how to respond to that…**

* * *

I lean back against the wall of the break room as I wait for Mal, exhausted from the long day. The TV blares some kind of news broadcast, which I dully listen to through semi-closed eyes.

_"Be on the look out for Felix Verstehen, age 15. He suffers from paranoid schizophrenia, and his family suspects he has run away from home. If you see him, approach with care. His family—"._

No one else is in the break-room, so I switch the TV on mute. The boy's face is still on the screen. He's average looking, with light brown hair and eyes. I turn the TV off completely. News like that is the last thing I want right now, and all I can think of is that the boy on the screen is never going home. Kids like that…it just doesn't happen.

A minute later Mal comes back, and the two of us head out the front door of the precinct doors without speaking. Both of us had the night shift, and it's honestly too early for me to even form a coherent thought.

There's a light rain cutting through the morning mist, and the streets are filled with morning traffic. Most of those people are going to work, while Mal and I are going home.

The ride to my apartment building is silent, and I rest my head on the window and try to stay awake. But then, about half-way there, something catches my eye. There's a boy on the side of the road, his bike nearly bent in half, and he clutches his lower arm as if in pain. He appears to be sitting on the edge of the sidewalk, but no one is stopping. He looks familiar…

Then it hits me. He's the boy from the news this morning.

"Mal. Stop" I say, trying to get a better look at the kid. From look of his crumpled bike it seems he had a run-in with a car, but other than the fact that he's clutching his forearm he looks unharmed. After a moments pause Mal slows down, clearly seeing the kid too. "He was on the news earlier" I say quietly, not getting of the car. "Be careful, he might think we're trying to hurt him".

Mal starts to say something, probably asking what's going on, but before he starts I slowly get out and start to walk towards the boy. He watches me as I approach, immediacy tensing and starting to inch away. He pulls his backpack, which was lying out of sight next to him, onto his shoulder.

I open my mouth to say his name, but before I can even get the first letter put he get up and sprints down the sidewalk like a frightened and wounded animal. Despite his injuries he's fast, and I sprint after him without even looking to see if Mal's behind me.

"Wait!" I yell at him, dodging past the few people who are on the streets this early. Almost everyone stares, but not a single one stops. The boy reaches a subway entrance and sprints down the stairs, still holding his arm. I follow after him, battling against the people heading out of the subway. As I reach the bottom of the stairs I lose him, and take a minute to search the flock of people milling around. My heart drops to my stomach as I see where he's gone.

He's on the tracks, looking around as if confused. When he sees me he starts to get farther away, heading directly towards a piece of track that buzzes with electricity. If he so much as touches it, he'll be dead before he hits the ground.

I rush over to him, my hand reaching out to grab the back of his jacket. I can hear the sound of one of the cars coming, but surely it can't be that close. I don't look, but I must have time.

He's only a foot away from the buzzing track now, but before he can take another step I'm there; my hand gripping his hood. I start to pull him back, pulling him out of harms way. I can hear the train getting closer, but I don't dare look.

That's when I blink, and my vision is filled with nothing but glimpses of passing glass windows.

A sharp pain pierces my skin a little above my left elbow, and I know right away something isn't right. The pain from my arm is fading away, like I had only hit it against the car. But this can't be the case. I was holding a boy. One who's probably dead by now. One who I can't even remember letting go of.

The world seems to fade away. I can hear someone screaming, the sound of people talking and clanking metal. But it's all so far away, like I'm underwater. I simply stand there in shock, waiting for someone to return sound to the world.

Then something, or someone, yanks me backwards. I'm barely aware of being placed on the ground, of hands grabbing me as someone's face hovers only a foot above mine. There's only one thing I can register; the floor is wet. I don't know with what, but it quickly soaks my jacket as I lie flat on my back.

The world seems to freeze for a few precious moments. My body seems to suddenly realize that it's been horribly damaged, maybe even beyond repair, and a sharp pain shoots up my left arm like an electric current, burning well past my shoulder. I try to move my left hand, my fingers, but my arm won't respond. Like it's been frozen in time. My eyes try to focus on the figure who's hovering over me, trying to figure out what he's yelling about. His lips are moving, his eyes looking at something to his left, but no sound escapes his lips.

Then, suddenly, he looks at me; and the world rushes back to me. This man is Mal Fallon. He is my partner. And as long as he's here, no matter what happens, I'm safe. Because that's what partners do. They watch each others back, make sure the other one gets home safe and sound.

His lips move again, his eyes locked on mine. But he's slowly fading away, his face growing blurry like an aging photograph. While I can't seem to move my left arm, my right seems perfectly fine, and I reach up and take his arm to make sure he hears me.

"Did I save him?" I manage to desperately choke out. Mal doesn't have time to answer before everything fades to black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much to _Anonymizz334, Oryt, mozzi-girl, ZeDancingHobbit, Maltara101, NiekaWow_ and _HopelessRomantic1994_ for the reviews! Thanks so much, it really means a lot :)**

* * *

By the time I get a grip on reality, exhaustion is sprawled in my head like an overweight cat; keeping me from opening my eyes. I can hear the faint '_tap, tap, tap'_ing sound of rain, and know my alarm will be going off any minute, but I can't seem to find the effort to wake up.

Then I feel something sharp jab up my arm, like shards of glass pressed just beneath the skin. In the split second before I open my eyes, the events of just before I blacked out play on my closed eyelids, and I snap upright from where I lie.

The room spins for a second, so fast that all I manage to make out are white walls. I can feel my heart pound in my ears, making me aware of every threat of impending danger. When the room come back into focus I become aware of a hand on my back; someone clearly trying to calm me down. I turn to my left and see Mal, and a cool sense of relief takes over me. I am not alone. I am safe.

Then I see his eyes flicker to my left arm, and I instinctively glance down.

My heart skips a beat. My right hand flies to my mouth, which opens in shock. I nearly lose my balance and fall backwards, but somehow manage to remain upright. It takes every bit of strength I have not to cry out in shock, and something worse than pain seems to surge through me. It's something deadly and poisonous, something that's purpose at this point I can't really explain. Fear.

I notice the change right away. How could I not? It's obvious. But at the same time I can't believe what I see. Surely…surely it must be a trick of the light; or maybe a dream. Surely this can't be real.

My arm ends a few inches above my elbow. That's it. My hands and fingers, even my entire forearm and elbow, is gone. I knew when I got hurt there was a lot of damage…but I hadn't expected this. No one would have.

"How—?" I manage to choke out, but it comes out more like the sound of an injured animal. To be honest, it hurts like hell. But that's the least of my problems.

"They couldn't save it" he says. "I'm sorry".

I just stare at him in disbelief. This has to be a joke. An elaborate trick. But there's no laughter in his gaze, only a stone-cold seriousness that I so rarely see on him. He looks tired. How long was I out?

"They can't do that. They can't just take my arm." I argue, as if debating it can magically regenerate my missing limb. Hospitals can't just take people's arms without their owners consent…can they?

"There was nothing left to save. You completely severed your brachial artery and vein, fractured your humerus and damaged your radial nerves." he responds in such a monotone voice that I know this information must have been relayed to him several times. "There was nothing they could do". He looks down, but my eyes lock on him, searching for any sense of hope. "Natara…you lost so much blood. I thought I lost you".

I should be happy at this news. Happy that I somehow escaped death. But I'm not. That boy, Felix, seems to hold on to my mind and steers all my thoughts to him. He's probably dead, but I don't dare ask if that's true. I don't think I could take it, since it's all my fault. My job is to protect people, but when it comes down to it, I can't even protect myself.

And then it hits me, how things will never be the same. How I woke up the morning of the accident, not knowing that my life was about to be damaged beyond repair. Tears start to run down my cheeks. I try to stop them, but I can't. So I let them flow; almost without any effort, feeling or purpose. I don't wipe them away, since it hardly matters anymore. Even if someone saw me like this, it's not like my face is the first thing they'd notice.

And then I feel a hand reach up to wipe the tears away, in a way that's just like how they fell; without effort, feeling or purpose. A gesture that's so simple, but in a way so complexly reassuring. I should stop him. I should push him away, lie and tell him I'm fine. But I'll allow this form of comfort; just this, and nothing more.

After a few minutes I manage to compose myself, despite the fact I'm still trying to wrap my head around the events that have just taken place. I find myself with my remaining hand over the place where my arm used to be, feeling the odd spot of gauze that replaces what's missing. It almost feels like when I was a kid, and I lost my first baby tooth. There's the same feeling that I have to keep touching it, as if to confirm that the loss is real. The only difference is that teeth grow back. Arms don't.

"Oscar should be here any time now" Mal says after a long period of silence. "He was in court, we weren't able to get ahold of him for a long time".

I nod, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear. The truth is that I just want to be alone. For what reason, I really don't know. Maybe I just want a moment of silence to mourn my old life. Or maybe I just need time to wrap my head around what happened. Either way, it must show on my face, because a moment later I feel the warm pressure of Mal's hand leave my back; leaving nothing behind but the ghost of his body heat and the echo of his footsteps. Carefully, I pull myself out of bed, walking slowly towards the window. My whole body feels uneven, like a seesaw with only one child on it.

When I reach it I look outside to see the rain-drenched streets below. It's growing dark from a combination of clouds and evening, and two stories below a people still go about their every day lives. They don't know that someone so near to them has just had their life altered forever. And even if they did… they wouldn't care.


	3. Chapter 3

**So…this chapter didn't really turn out the way I hoped. But it's pretty late and I don't have a lot of time to write so it is what it is. Thanks so much to _Maltara101, The Sarcastic Polar Bear, NiekaWow, mozzi-girl_ and _My Quiet Riot_ for the reviews :) **

* * *

The sound of my phone wakes me up, and as I pull myself out of bed I grab my phone from my charger and check the text that's shown up from Oscar.

_'Meet you in 15?'_

I send a quick yes and roll out of bed, walking to the bathroom. I've been home for three days, mainly because I refused most physical therapy that was offered. Whatever I have to deal with, I can do myself. I'll have to figure it out eventually.

I pass the mirror on the way to the bathroom. For the first time since I've been home, I look in the mirror; noticing every last flaw. Thin lips pursed with unhappiness, my hair frizzy from the times I'd run my hand through it in restlessness. My doleful eyes look sad, vulnerable and wounded. But before I know it my eyes are once again drawn to what's missing. I can almost imagine being normal again; having fingers that move and a hand that's still there.

But then I run my hand over the scar, the place that marks what was damaged beyond repair, and I know that I will never be the same. I've still don't really know what happened to Felix, but right now, I have so much on my mind that I can't handle that too. I'm not even curious about his fate, my mind is so busy that I doubt I'll ever feel curiosity again.

* * *

Within fifteen minutes I meet Oscar outside, my hair stuck in what's probably the messiest ponytail ever. It was suggested that I start running again as soon as possible, since it would help me get my balance back. Who knew losing an arm would affect everything from how I get dressed in the morning, to how I walk? Well, it's fine by me. Anything that so much as mimics my usual routine is perfectly fine by me.

So we run to the park, the same one we had raced across that one morning that feels like it happened a thousand years ago. It's fairly empty, and I give Oscar the same competitive grin I had that day. He returns it, and I sprint across the path. To my surprise I'm just as fast as I was, perhaps a little less balanced, but at least something hasn't changed.

The sky is overcast and threatening rain, keeping most park-goers away. Since the park's empty, it's not as much as a challenge as it was that first time, and I make a beeline for the other side. I can hear Oscar behind me, but I hardly care. Having the fresh air in my face and the wind in my ears…it's a better treatment than any hospital could give me.

I full-on sprint in the last hundred meters, the chunks of hair I couldn't tie back flying in my face. But I don't stop, I can almost feel Oscar behind me. He almost beat me last time…and this time won't be any different.

As I reach the same place we stopped last time I whip around, smiling and expecting to see a panting Oscar behind me. But he's at least thirty meters behind me…and he doesn't even look like he was running.

"You let me win" I say as he approaches. I can tell this is right from his face, even before he opens his mouth to protest. "You did! Don't even deny it!" I say, not caring if I sound like a little kid at this point. Doesn't he get it? I don't need him to do this! If anything, what I need is the competition to keep me motivated to get better!

"Natara…". I don't let him finish before I whip around, walking out of the park. "Where are you going?!".

"Home". I keep walking, trying to shove the annoying pieces of hair behind my ears. A second later I can feel Oscar's hand on me, trying to help. But I let go of my hair and angrily swat his hand away.

"I've got it".

"No you don't".

"I said I've got it!" I snap, despite the fact it's nearly impossible to tie my own hair back with one hand. But he continues to try to help.

"Let me help you! You can't do everything you could before!".

Something insides me snaps, and I whip around, nearly causing him to run right into me. "Yes I can. I'm going to have to learn to do things myself eventually".

"But there are some things you just can't learn again".

I can feel anger rising in my face, despite the fact Oscar's tone is so calm. "Don't you get it? I don't need someone to do everything for me! I need someone to stand by me while I figure it out myself!". He seems taken back at this, but I don't give him a chance to retaliate. "Just forget it…I don't even care anymore". I turn to go, leaving Oscar on the lonely morning sidewalk. I don't hear his footsteps behind me.

The truth is that I do care. I care more than I'll never let onto, how could I not? But if I let onto how much I do care, I'm afraid that everything else will come spilling out too. And if that happens…then people will see how badly I really need help. Not the help that Oscar offered, but the type of help that will let me help myself. I can't rely on other people forever. Even if I could…it's just not the type of person I am.

As I round the corner of the sidewalk, I tuck another stupid piece of hair behind my ear and pull my phone out of my pocket to dial a familiar number. I think I know exactly who to call.


End file.
